Just in time for Halloween, I bring you affirmation on a string!

Besides dressing up as Sarah Palin for Halloween last night for a party and today in our newsroom (complete with "Miss Wasilla" sash and tiara), all for the sake of making people laugh (a smashing success I might add), I am not really one for the holiday.

When you are someone who has never liked candy, it kind of doesn't do much for you.
(I promise, half a Fun Dip packet and a couple Trolli Peachie-Os once every year or two is about all the candy I can take).

I recall a funny Halloween memory from my childhood:

It may surprise some to know I was a tense, uptight and intensely private melodramatic kid.

i.e. Instead of "House," I used to play "Homeless" in my room to enact how it would be, you know, just in case...it consisted of tying the four corners of my blanket into a portable 'sack,' filling it with with beloved stuffed animals and snacks (the essentials). Then I envisioned where I would go to hang out i.e. 'bum'..... you know, just in case.....

And that was about it.


I also got really angry when I watched Disney movies, because I easily ferreted out the 'conflict' and was on the verge of an internal panic attack until 'resolution' came. For example, I secretly HATED watching Beauty and the Beast because thought it was a waste of my two hours to see a dumb girl's consequences of getting lost. The whole 'inner beauty' moral lesson was lost on me (no pun intended) as I was too busy being frustrated over Belle's incompetence in walking down the wrong road (because, with my famed knack for directions aka 'built in GPS,' I would never have).

(Little Mermaid, on the other hand, was another story. My older brother attests our VHS copy died out from watching it so many times. All the color, fun choreographed dancing, under the sea...I did grow up on the beach, you know).


So back to Halloween. Being the first daughter, my poor mother loved me so much she felt like she had to appease my every whim. Which is why, on Halloween one year when I was about 7, when I had been set for weeks to be yet another Disney princess with my blissfully happy little sister as a lamb for a sidekick (she is, to this day, completely useless with directions...I guess it's no wonder she had no problem sitting through Beauty and the Beast), I decided in T-15 minutes before we were set to go Trick-or-Treating that I did not, in fact, want to be a Disney Princess.

Crisis.



After many a fretted suggestion, my mom and I came up with me being "a composer."

Yes, like Mozart and Beethoven.

I wore one of my mom's brown skirts, she put my hair in a bun and I carried a piano book.

At the time, I thought I was ingenious and believed people thought I was the most clever kid of them all.

A couple years ago, my mom told me she had never seen more raised eyebrows in her life: every house we went to, people thought I was nuts.

Okay, anyways.


I bring you some affirmation on a string, courtesy of Yogi Tea which has good-will messages on their tea bag string 'handles'.....kind of like a fortune cookie.

So in lieu of hitting up the Hollywood House party (solo), I'm drinking some peppermint tea curled up in bed with Macbook who is tuned into hulu.com catching up on Gossip Girl, Lipstick Jungle and The Office.


"Recognize that the other person is you."
(Ooooooh, deep)


"The art of happiness is to serve all."
(Boring! In Christendom, we've been calling that 'charity' for thousands of years.)


"The beauty of life is to experience yourself"
(Oooh, nice...)


"Self-reliance conquers any difficulty"
(Yep, I have my own track record for that one).


In case I have intellectually overloaded your nirvana quota today, here's a highly addicting, oddly satisfying, and brain numbing virtual....'game'???

Happy Halloween.

Sarah, Todd, John and George- All in one!

Enough said.

'Jamba Juice' is not a code, and Halloween preview

To clarify, I have been approached by a couple loyal blog readers if my post on Jamba Juice is/was CODE for a boy in my life.

Answer: No.

The whole "Jamba Juice relationship" post was a satire on how Provo boys develop romantic relationships

i.e.

1) He sees a girl at church (in the ward, anything else wouldn't be convenient/easy enough), and decides he could marry her.

2) He drops/by slinks around her apartment (because it wouldn't be cost effective or convenient to do anything else)

3) He suggests she comes over to his apartment so he can potentially cuddle with her in a movie, what really happens is he spends the whole time trying to garner the courage to touch her arm

4) On the second in-apartment movie 'date,' they legitimately cuddle (she initiates).

5) He takes her OUT (!) to a dollar movie, and if he really likes her, Coldstone after.

6) He slinks some more around her apartment, so she makes him food and they talk about how many kids they want to have.

7) Now that they're in agreement they want 5 kids, he takes her to Los Hermanos for a <$20 meal as they discuss marriage dates.

8) He gets protective and wants to date exclusively, even though you've only been on officially 2 dates. So the girl is now OFF LIMITS to anyone else, and would qualify as a "cheater" if she accepted a date from anyone else.

9) Now that boundaries are established, more slinking ensues. Perhaps a drive up the canyon followed by Cafe Rio is apropo at this point. He tries to imagine how the proposal will go.

10) Now after more of aforementioned-like shenanigans, he takes girl to Olive Garden or maybe Macaroni Grill, then to the Provo Temple and proposes.

10a) She accepts, immediately they change their Facebook relationship status to "Engaged."
10b) Profusive congratulatory wall-posting ensues from well wishers (more like 'stunned' well wishers)

10c) Pictures are posted of ring, and also if they are class-less, a self taken photo (you know those ones with the arm coming out from the side) of one of them kissing.

10d) Facebook group is created to collect addresses from friends, temple date is set, cultural hall is reserved. Deal is 'sealed'.

I'm not going into details on how perverted I think this is...

IN OTHER NEWS: I've been too occupied with doing Election stuff in the newsroom, so I kind of forgot it was Halloween tomorrow. But a costume idea came to me last night as I stared at a hot pink vintage Givenchy suit given to us by our family friend who was Miss America in the 1950s (her family gave us some sweet swag when they cleaned out her closet a while ago)......

I've decided to be..............






my favorite person (snicker)............






a 'sort-of-sexy' version (because the skirt's short).......







of.....






the 'Caribou Barbie' herself............









SARAH PALIN




(Or Tina Fey... You Decide 2008.)

Yes, you heard it first on burntmustard.


So on behalf of the good maverick-y citizens of Wasilla, AK,

Happy Trick or Treatin' !!!

More Prop 8

This viewpoint is quite persuasive regarding the Prop 8 debate.

Twenty years ago, a group of prominent homosexuals got together in Warrentown, Virginia to map out their plan to get homosexuality accepted by the general public. In the book that resulted from their meeting, they revealed a strategy that achieves its effect "without reference to facts, logic or proof . . . the person's beliefs can be altered whether he is conscious of the attack or not." In other words, their strategy was pure propaganda. That propaganda campaign has many people today believing that denying same-sex marriage involves denying rights to a victimized minority. That belief could not be further from the truth. In fact, let me suggest what the same-sex marriage debate is not about. It is not about equality or equal rights. It is not about discrimination against a class of people. It is not about denying homosexuals the ability to commit to one another. It is not about love or private relationships. It is not about bigotry or homophobia. It is not about sexual orientation or being born a certain way. It is not about race or the civil rights struggle. It is not about interracial marriage. It is not about heterosexuals and divorce. It is not about the separation of church and state. It is not even about religion. "But that's all I hear about," you say. Of course, that's because the propaganda campaign continues to be successful. Those topics are all smokescreens designed to divert you. In fact, for homosexuals, this debate isn't even about marriage. As data from countries with same-sex marriage show, approximately 96 percent of homosexuals don't get married when they are given the opportunity. And those that do get "married" break up at a much higher rate than heterosexuals. Since most homosexuals don't want to get married or stay married, then why are homosexual activists so adamant about government recognition of same-sex marriage? Because same-sex marriage will win them what they really want—validation and normalization. In other words, the activists want same-sex marriage because they understand that government-backed same-sex marriage will validate and normalize homosexuality throughout society. The key point here is "government-backed." Homosexuals already can "marry" one another privately. There is just no government version of it. Nothing is stopping homosexuals from pledging themselves to one another in private same-sex marriage ceremonies. In fact, it is done all the time—there is an entire cottage industry for "gay" weddings. But that's not enough for homosexual activists. What they want is government endorsement for their relationships. They know that such endorsement will make homosexuality and their behavior appear just as normal as heterosexuality. That's why the same-sex marriage movement has more to do with respect than rights. Greg Koukl puts this very well: "Same-sex marriage is not about civil rights. It is about validation and social respect. It is a radical attempt at civil engineering using government muscle to strong-arm the people into accommodating a lifestyle many find deeply offensive, contrary to nature, socially destructive, and morally repugnant." Same-sex marriage advocate Andrew Sullivan understands this. He writes, "Including homosexuals within marriage would be a means of conferring the highest form of social approval imaginable." This is the real reason homosexual activists are relentlessly pushing to get the government to endorse same-sex marriage. Most don't want to get "married," but they do want the social approval that same-sex marriage will win them. Once they get that legal and social approval, no one disagreeing with them will be safe. Schools, businesses, churches, and charities will be bludgeoned with threats and lawsuits until they abandon their convictions and agree to promote what is pleasantly called "diversity." Ironically, the only view allowed by the coming diversity police is the narrow view that you must celebrate homosexuality. No other view will be tolerated. In fact, this intolerance is already happening and will get worse if same-sex marriage spreads. A federal court recently denied parents the right to know when homosexuality was being discussed in their Massachusetts schools because gay marriage is now legal there. Also in Massachusetts, a Catholic adoption agency was forced to close its doors rather than provide children to homosexual couples as the state now demands. In New Jersey, a Christian ministry was investigated for refusing to conduct a same-sex ceremony. In California, a doctor was sued for refusing to artificially inseminate a lesbian. Several other examples of gay intolerance can be found here, and the unbelievable forced normalization of homosexuality in businesses, schools and charities throughout Massachusetts can be found here. (Click on that link if you really want to see how bad the intolerance can get.) Moreover, as I've shown in Gay Marriage: Even Liberals Know It's Bad, government-backed same-sex marriage also will hurt our children, our health, our economy and our nation. Thankfully, voters still have the choice to not endorse intolerance and political correctness. The good people of California, Arizona and Florida can vote for tolerance this Election Day by confirming that marriage is only between one man and one woman.

--
Barton W. Marcois
President
Eagle Foundation

ALSO:

I've been TAGGED!

Okay, I've read blogs for a while now, including their 'about me' laundry lists from when they are "TAGGED" by other bloggers.

After writing their brag lists, they proceed to TAG other people....and I have never been one of the lucky ten before.

Every time I don't see my name on a tag list, I'll admit it puts a slight damper on my self-esteem.

BUT now, Brook has officially crowned me. I have been.... TAGGED!

So here it goes!!!


10 TV Shows I Love to Watch:

1. Gossip Girl
2. The Office
3. SNL Skits- especially political satire
4. Sex and the City- edited version on TBS- wittiest show ever created.
5. Lipstick Jungle
6. The Daily 10 on E!
7. Colbert Report
8. Daily Show with Jon Stewart
9. Sunset Tan- occasional snippets, because it's hilarious to watch people who believe they change the world one Mystic tan at a time.
10.* I have seen five minutes each of Laguna Beach and The Hills, and I was never more bored in my life. I don't get it.

10 of my Favorite Restaurants Are (to list only 10 is a STRUGGLE):

1. I Tre Merli or any non-chain restaurant in NYC West Village
2. Paradou- Meatpacking District, NYC - I did a restaurant review of it- better than Pastis bistro
3. Mise en Place- New Hampshire- where I developed my love of haute cuisine
4. Piatti- La Jolla, CA - Italian perfection
5. Willi's Wine Bar - Paris- ostrich and fond memories with my cousin who was studying there
6. Union Square Cafe & Greenmarket- for impeccable fusion of city and country
7. Pasta Pronto- Del Mar, CA- For years, I've had their mango tart in lieu of birthday cake.
8. Morocco hole in the wall where I had the most amazing cous cous with lamb.
9. Shake Shack (Madison Square Park, NYC): trumps In-N-Out, and I don't even like burgers!
9. Elementi: Park Slope, Brooklyn (NYC) - incredible authentic rabbit tagliatelle pasta....did I mention they deliver?
10. California Pizza Kitchen - my go-to Utah Valley staple - it's 20% off with student ID

10 Things that Happened Yesterday:

1. Spent 3.5 hours on InDesign tinkering with a final draft for a design project, which was then dissed by my temperamentally grading teacher. Awesome.
2. Took only 6 or 8 acetaminophen - a huge step forward
3. Read some of November's Vogue- great article on the Biden women
4. Told a boy in my ward he looked like Penn Badgley
5. Decided I'm going to be more romantically progressive with boys in Utah Valley because they are lame- but I don't want to be alone amongst pansies until my sunflower comes along.
6. Applied to do a special course in Prague
7. Wore my yarn necklace from Morocco
8. Drank probably a gallon of peppermint tea
9. G-chatted while editing stories (a daily thing)
10. Blogged

10 Things I am Looking Forward to:

1. Going to Prague (cross your fingers) in January
2. Hopefully seeing my friend Tara in Edinburgh or skiing the Alps before #1
2. My internship in Washington DC next summer
3. Snowboarding with friends this winter, being 15 minutes away from the slopes
4. Leaving Provo FOR GOOD- only 6 more months. HALLELUJAH.
5. Going to grad school on the east coast.
6. Living in NYC again...and DC...and Boston...
7. Planning Enrichment (finally, whoops...)
8. Having a kissing buddy (to the advisement of my friends and cousin Jennie)
9. Getting into a relationship
10. Converting Bill Hemmer to Mormonism and living happily ever after (only half kidding!)

10 Things on my Wish List:

1. That a to-be-unnamed gorgeous man (boy?) wouldn't be so self-absorbed
2. That guys weren't intimidated by me
3. That I were three inches shorter
4. That I were better at graphic design
3. To become a yoga instructor
4. That Utah culture weren't like the Pharisees and Sadducees
5. To turn atheists into believers
6. To show people I love them
7. That Emiley, Tracey, Liz, Lauren and Alison would get Facebook

8. To travel the world as a spa critic
9. To never lose touch with my friends
10. To live the life I've imagined

10 People I Tag:

1. Thatch
2. Teen
3. Chantelle
4. Lindsey
5. Siovhan
6. Aly D.
7. Alli D.
8. Janessa
9. Mad-Dawg
10. Tara

Throwbacks and Happy 100th post!

Er...well technically, it's my 103rd post.

But who's counting.

In honor of this milestone, I'm going to post some retro throwbacks created on YearbookYourself.com.

The closest I'll ever come to being June Cleaver, 1950s housewife extraordinaire.
i.e. Pearls donned as I iron and press my husband's shirts, dinner on the table by 6 as he walks in the door from work, etc.
(Truth be told, after I'm done with career stuff come 10-15 years, I don't have any qualms with that role, as long as I can still write freelance)

I feel like this is the awkward 1960s equivalent of the girls who OD'ed on flat-irons in the early 2000s.
However, this was the era where they actually ironed their hair on the board...and then flipped out, apparently.

Flowy and flouncy a la Farrah Fawcett.
Oh to be blonde and carefree...

Because I was raised on MoTown. No, but seriously.
My mom recently fulfilled a life dream by meeting Earth, Wind, and Fire backstage at their reunion concert, and I told her I thought it even made MY life complete.
BURN BABY BURN!
Hey, my mom was a teenager in 1970 Los Angeles!




All bobbed out, with some hairspray oomph.
Too bad Utah has perverted this into the "tumor head" aka teasing it in random places like the top and/or sides, thereby making their head shape look like Yoda/E.T.

I feel like this is someone Uncle Joey from Full House would have dated.

1990s grunge-chic era, when my brother was in High School wearing Mossimo (pre-Target buy out) and Billabong and skimboarding at the beach every day. When he came home from school, we would watch Saved by the Bell together, and even once took me and my little sister to Sea World...with his friends. I know, best bro ever. Love you G.


VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE THROWBACK!

Omigosh, Real Guys Love Sports and Musical Theater Too

If you haven't noticed, High School Musical 3 is out.

(courtesy: NY Times)

"All very sweet, you say. But what does it all mean? To which I would reply:

Does it have to mean anything beyond the pleasure of entering a dream of high school harmony?"

- NY Times reviewer Steven Holden.

Read the full NY Times review HERE.

Yes I'm only sort of interested because I'm admittedly still bitter (and I guess sorta, SORTA grateful) that my own high school experience, complete with grueling EARLY MORNING seminary, was the hardest...

I mean THE HARDEST four years of my life.

(More bitterness to follow in a future post, lucky you lol.)


ANYWAYS...

A kid in my ward, Todd, was one of the backup dancers in "Get Your Head in the Game" in the original HSM, and we (I) picked his mind on the way back from an outing one night.

Concluding thoughts from that exchange:
Yes, they (Zac and Vanessa and Ashley and Corbin etc) are nice people, and a definitive no, he doesn't think Zac and Vanessa are 'saving' themselves.
(Like we didn't know that already, but confirmation is always fun)

And yes, I heard from another source that Todd got mobbed on his mission in Paraguay if he mentioned HSM.



Dear Zac Efron,
I think you should end your deferment and go to USC now.

I have a lot of friends who will tap the kegs with you.

And I've heard there's nothing like The Coliseum on game day.

And fellow "celebrities" 'Lil Romeo and Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers will be there with open arms.

(courtesy: People)

Here's seeing you in South Central,
Alex

Orson talks YES on Prop 8

Orson Scott Card talks YES on California's PROP 8.

READ IT.

It is the most eloquent piece of explanation that no, Mormons don't hate homosexuals.

I personally haven't AMEN-ed to something as profusely since I was....out of Utah last weekend!

News News Wonderful News

WooHoo. Where do I begin.

A) I live in a hellhole. Oh wait, that isn't news. Hah.

B) Okay, it has come to my attention that I have been writing a lot about politics lately, and I'm sorry, I just think it's kinda important if voting will affect how many "Two Mommies" talks I'll be having with my children come 15 years down the road (when I am married to my own Prince Charming aka Bill Hemmer, haha...only half kidding...),

AND Joe the Plumber on SNL was JUST. SO. FUNNY I had to watch it 4 times this past Sunday afternoon. Because lets not lie, aside from the dose of spirituality, Sundays are the worst days of the week (more to come about that in a post soon, lucky you)


Couldn't resist posting this gem (after the debates last Wednesday).




ANYWAY!

I've been talking about silly John and Barack too much lately, it's time to channel my inner-SheBlogsSheBlogs (Alison, who, to start off her Maid of Honor toast at her little sister's wedding last weekend, talked about herself. awesome.)

- and time to get egotistical again!

So among other things, I'm stoked to announce I'll be spending Thanksgiving at my cousins' ranch in WYOMING!

I couldn't be more stoked (well perhaps if my Thanksgiving was watching the Macy's Parade in NYC- which I'll have to wait until next year, yes it's true).

This is incredible. Riding horses, baling hay, trudging through snow and nothingness and, most likely, eating enough Wild West raised red meat to last me a year (as what happened when we were there last i.e. "filet mignon for breakfast anyone!" etc).

Even if wide open spaces scare me like nothing else, I'm determined to journal a lot and attempt to "find myself" in that wilderness.

See y'all later,
Alex

Environmental concerns from an LDS perspective

Today I took THIS SURVEY, which tries to gauge how LDS or other religious people feel about the environment.

(hello, world!)

It was fascinating.

I suggest you take the survey too- it's anonymous and will only take you about 8 minutes.


And even more fascinating may be the guys that made the survey.

(I promise they're not Sunstone borderline apostates... at least I don't think they're affiliated.)


So, yeah, I'm probably going through withdrawals from intellectual East Coast Mormons, but I really want to meet them, so I'm going to go ahead and link to the

LDS SUSTAINABILITY BLOG

and

this LDS EARTH STEWARDSHIP Google Page.


and they're also affiliated with TempleStudy.com. Here's the post on that Web site for the Latter-Day Saints and the Environment Survey.


Mazel tov, and stay green,
Alex

PTA- no children neccessary

Brook and I are co-founders of a new kind of PTA; no children necessary-

Namely, the committee of Personal Tool Advisors.

Our mission is to go beyond telling boys they are lame, weird and gross (those services come standard);

now we feel we must call them out when they're being downright TOOLS.

(And that's restrained, we could be calling you something worse, like this.)


Hey, tough love, its how men roll.


Here are some one liners you can feed the next tool that walks your way:


The most simple way to get the point across is, of course, the no-questions-asked gem:
"You are a tool"


More confident members of the PTA can segway into more developed tool-isms aka:

"Stop being an XBOX-playing tool with your bum roommates on Friday nights and ask her out"
(generally true)


"Only a tool like you would attempt to win her back on a scenic scooter serenade after you've already broken her heart...twice."
(100% true story)


"Wow you're such a tool for not even kissing her in the almost hour you spent walking around a moonlit Central Park"
(100% true story)


I am reminded of Pink's "So What" song which goes a little something like....

"...Guess what?
I'm having more fun,
and now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight,
I'm alright,
I'm just fine,
And you're a tool so...
so what
I am a rock star, I got my rock moves..."

So who wants to join the PTA?!!!

PS: Jamba Juice update- he's been slinking around my apartment most days this week, eating all the cakes and cookies I've baked (for him)...so even though he hasn't even garnered the chutzpah to ask for my number yet, you could say we're officially dating.

I know, right? Exciting!

Now I'm going to figure out what color and clarity I want my princess cut diamond to be....stay tuned.

Some "Yes on Prop 8" Ads

And for all my People Magazine loving friends...(goodness knows I love it too)

Colin Powell endorses Obama

If you haven't read or heard about this yet, Colin Powell endorsed Obama on NBC's "Meet the Press."

Watch the video- it's a great account of Powell's "insider" information knowing the 2 candidates.

The wooing power of sirens

Last night, as I was doing some homework in my Darvocetted daze, I heard a SIREN outside in the atmosphere.

I turned off the rap and Adele music (don't ask) and just listened to that shrieking shrill across the vast desert of Utah nothingness.

It almost....ALMOST felt like NY again.

My room here is extremely NY-centric. I have magazine spreads and ads and the subway map plastered over my walls to help jog my fond city memories in the midst of Provo bleakness.

I must admit, it's kind of nice not walking out the door and seeing my money go down the tube. Everytime you walk out the door in NY, it's as if you open up your wallet and watch as the bills flutter away with bus exhaust.

I have never felt more impulsive nor more restrained as I was in NYC. Yet another paradox of that place.

Gah, I miss it.

I think one of the things these chic lit movies (Devil Wears Prada, 30 Going on 30, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) aren't capitalizing on is how extremely fun and exhilirating the life is. They show a couple glamour shots at the beginning, and slowly make their way back to drab of the everyday, ending with that feel-good message to "be yourself" and "home is where the heart is" and what have you.

But seriously, the glimpses of glamour I got this summer were enough to show me it's worth all the heartache to be a part of again.

So yeah, I'm going to be making less than $30,000 a year, live in some 'pre-war' apartment in Murray ("Curry") Hill, ride the NQRW to 58th Street to my office at the Hearst tower at 57th and 8th Ave.

I tell my mom this and she agrees, it'll be as great as it seems.
Then stops to add, "well but don't be surprised if by age 30+ all that stuff loses its luster"

Sure. Fine. But that doesn't stop it from being illustrous in the here and now!

I've been planning, scheming and downright hallucinating my dreams for so long, I want them to just arrive already. Or I wish time actually went faster so they could happen RIGHT NOW.

But again, another theme of my life unearths itself, just waiting here, listening to the lone siren shrilling across the Wasatch Mountain plains... yet again, WAITING for my life to begin.

Palin versus Rationality

As if all my posted SNL clips weren't enough of an indication, Sarah Palin scares the living daylights out of me.

Visit this Web site to see more examples why- Click on things around the Oval Office (be sure to click on the globe and doors a few times).



Which may explain why my lifelong registered Republican mother is 70 percent sure she's voting Obama/Biden this year. The only thing she regrets about McCain losing this year is, and I quote, "that we'll be missing out on 4 years of Tina Fey's Palin impressions."

Yes, this decision from the woman who, who over the dinner table every night, helped me intellectually disseminate my daily dose of liberal propaganda a la my high school teachers, who were all Jewish, or Berkeley/East Coast university grads.

We'll be honest though, the REAL reason why we're voting for Barack is to pave the way for Romney 2012 (or 2016).



So here's a video from the Harvard College Democrats about Mrs. Palin (I stole this idea from Al's blog)

Because let's not lie, as if Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist was enough to make me shed in-theater tears for my NYC longings, I am in dire need of some hygiene-challenged, quick-witted East Coast intellectualism right now.






My favorite line is:

"Sarah...
You think with your gut
Unlike those fact-finding rational punks
With your Tina Fey glasses
Kick those Ivy League asses
Take their "plans" and replace them with spunk"

How sad my dad actually fesses up to buying into this "spunk."
(I have still to determine how his elusive independently registered voting self will decide this year. )

Well, perhaps I would too buy into the "spunk" if she formed complete rational sentences when not giving (prepared) speeches, pronounced "nuclear" correctly, enunciated the Gs on the end of her words, and rethought this whole "maverick" description (which, by nature of the word, is really not flattering for anyone trying to lead a nation).





Aaaaaand....I think the following may be SNL's greatest work to date.

Let's be honest, Joe the Plumber and Crazy McCain Rally Lady were the REAL political celebrities of this past week.

Genius.

"In a Relationship with Jamba Juice"

Looks like I need to change my facebook status, there's a new man (inanimate object?) in my life.

Teen and my latest obsession:

Jamba Juice's Mango Peach Topper with organic pumpkin and flax seed granola.


You know it's love when:

Against your better knowing that you shouldn't be chomping on granola due to a inflamed jaw racked with constant pain, you still chomp with glee and satisfaction knowing that percosset will be in your near future.

Your anti-morning self wakes up early, on an extra early day, to drive to Jamba to get juiced for school.

Like 7 AM alarm early.

As the only one blending at Jamba that morning, I thought I might have been hallucinating the nightmare of high school early-morning seminary again. (shudder)

Needless to say, I felt extremely out of place walking to school with all the 8 AM class overachiever psychos (I was working on a project before 9:30 class).



It just fills the marrow of your bones with delicious fruit and soymilk goodness (wow I sound like Brook- love you!).

Wow, do you think this relationship has potential, because we're definitely beyond the NCMO stage?!?!!!

Stay tuned.

Celibate and the City

My cousin and I think it would be funny if we created/wrote for a show called "Celibate and the City" based on Utah Valley life.

This place is so weird, random, silly, hypocritical, unique...more people should know about the HATE/WEIRD relationship (not love, maybe 'like' for some people) of Provo!

(I want to write a book one day like Sloane Crosley's I Was Told There'd Be Cake.)


Because if HBO can have that pitiful show Big Love, I don't see why not...


Episode 1:

Ashley is suspicious of Justin's intentions when he invites her to go tunnel singing. She's heard of his tainted history breaking off an engagement, but realizes he is a child of God and decides to give him a chance. Before the big day comes, Ashley spots Justin in a 7-11 buying a 6-pack of Coke. Running out of the store with tears in her eyes, she wonders if she will ever find her Nephi. Meanwhile, Matt visits the Honor Code office after offending the lunchtime Brigham Square masses donned in a muscle tee that may have showed off his g's and guns.

Episode 2:

Sara is distraught over being the only person in her apartment not in a booty-call relationship (read: innocent movie-spooning), so she asks her home teacher Todd, who also happens to be the crush of the Relief Society, to give her a blessing for an alleged case of the flu.
When Todd arrives, he feels as though the Spirit has intervened and he may have found his Sariah in Sara.
Jessica, a roommate, has a secret NCMO past with Todd, and gets jealous. She contemplates getting sick to thwart Sara's plan.

Why I'm voting YES on Prop 8

First, all moral convictions ASIDE:

In 2000, 61% of California voters in voted to protect traditional heterosexual marriage.
In May 2008, that vote was overturned by the California Supreme Court 4-3.

All moral convictions ASIDE, this is a clear example of unjust minority tyranny that goes contrary to foundational US Constitutional law: that 4 people could overturn a decision made by an entire state's population.

And for moral reasons:

Children in public schools will be taught that both traditional marriage and same-sex marriage are normal.

Churches will be sued if they refuse to allow same-sex marriage ceremonies in their religious buildings that are open to the public.

Religions that sponsor private schools and which provide housing for married students will be required to provide housing for same-sex couples, even if it runs counter to church doctrine, or lose tax exemptions and benefits.

Ministers who preach against same-sex marriages will be sued for hate speech and could be fined by the government. It has already happened in Canada, one of six countries that have legalized gay marriage.

A change in the definition of marriage will bring a cascade of lawsuits. Even if courts eventually find in favor of a defender of traditional marriage (highly improbable given today's activist judges), think of the money – your money, your church contributions – that will have to be spent on legal fees.

If we don’t act by Voting Yes on Proposition 8 then millions of people and their descendants will lose core religious beliefs and priceless heritage.

Vote YES on Prop 8

Conclusion: It's not that I don't wish for people living homosexual lifestyles to have happiness in life.
I just believe that "marriage" is between a man and a woman.
Gays can get unions if they want, just don't call it the same thing as what my parents or grandparents have, and don't tell my children to consider a homosexual lifestyle or to think it is "normal."

Ode to Tina

Dear Tina Fey,

I have been watching your SNL political satire videos at least 10 times a day for the past week.

And let's face it, Sarah Palin was a ridiculously, pathetically easy target to be clobbered by the humorous New Yorker "media elite," but Tina, I never tire of the spot-on imitations, mannerisms, and mockery.

I listen to the skits as I g-chat my friends, as I edit stories in the newsroom for background cacophony, or when I am brushing my teeth going to bed at night. It's usually accompanied by someone staring over my shoulder saying "Oh you're watching THAT again? You're silly." Or my roommates asking me why I'm laughing so hard as I spit out the Colgate in the sink.

I just love love love you. I think you are a comic genius.

And I think you ROCKED your Emmy dress.


And I am all for moms being at home, but really, with your kind of ingenious talent, it wouldn't hurt Alice if you wrote more intelligently satirical screenplays for the rest of us every now and then?! I bet she'll even thank you later!

Tina, you could do it from the cushy comfort of your Upper West Side penthouse, for goodness sakes!

(how cute are they?!)

Please ditch 30 Rock (it's really not that funny- except for that one line in that episode where you made a reference to the fact that "only the cool people" walk between subway cars) and keep writing hilarious things for the big screen, because you're really good.


Ever since Mean Girls came out, I've been hungering for more.


And since it's been 5 years (can't believe it), Tina, I'm STARVING for your humor.


But I guess, I'll have to settle for your humorous, although random, SNL appearances, that keep me grinning and making a fool of myself as I nearly fall on the ground laughing thinking of your lines walking to school at 9 in the morning. (Hey! When you exist in the bleak cultural wasteland that is Provo, Utah, you have to keep yourself entertained somehow).

"Whoozeewhatzit," "Mainstream 'gotcha' media" and "Say it isn't so, Joe" will have to tide me over until that glorious day when you come out with another silver screen masterpiece.

(Oh, Baby Mama doesn't count because you didn't write it. To quote Sarah, I was actually a little "disheartened" by it because you and Amy could have been a lot funnier. Sorry.)

Anyways, I love your work and can only hope to be half as funny as you someday,

Many thanks,
Alex

News

So often times on the burnt mustard, I post things I've been thinking about, and I realize sometimes when I link to articles they are not particularly news worthy, which I suppose goes against the whole point of it being journalism.

If I keep anyone informed, it's my mom, who tells me or at least acts like everything that comes from me is breaking news.


But here is something that is timely:

I have been in excruciating jaw pain for about a month, and have been taking about 15-20/day of acetaminophen, ibuprofen or aspirin.

I've been getting relief for it which has yet to kick in, apparently the years of clenching the crap out of my jaw is causing me these problems.

But for goodness sakes, 2 Advil did a better job last night than 2 Lortab.

aka LORTAB DOESN'T WORK.

(Neither does Vicodin, I may add).

What the heck is wrong with me? I took 2 Lortab at about 10pm last night, expecting to slip into a peaceful slumber, free of being woken up by pain at 4am for an aspirin feeding.

So now I'm perplexed, distressed, and now I'm dizzy on Darvocet.

Wish me luck. Bring me my Bill Hemmer already. I'm convinced he will fix it.

POP goes the culture!

Exhibit A:

Passive Aggressive Notes

Exhibit B:

BILL HEMMER: Heaven help me.

I agree wholeheartedly with comment #4.
NY Mag, you didn't do your reporting.

Exhibit C:

Jennifer Hudson's new album.

With the vocal strength of Aretha and the fabulousness of Beyonce, she is updating MoTown to the 21st century.

Not to mention "All Dressed in Love" is a song for the AGES and repeatedly plays on my own stereo systems.

SNL - Veep Debate

So I was amused to see how Palin would do in the debates, and more anxious to see how Tina Fey was going to satirize her.



Also, I've never been so jealous of a teenage mother, namely, Bristol Palin's hunky babydaddy.

Missing my Manhattan Mormons

All of the people I met in the Union Square Manhattan LDS Ward this past summer were so fabulous. So so SO fabulous. (And as a word of advisement to anyone LDS moving to the city soon, they're far less elitist and/or yuppie than the uptown wards).
I loved brunching with them, getting froyo with them in Greenwich Village, and hearing their great stories and life experiences in church lessons.

Here are two who you can now get a glimpse:

Natalie Hill, who currently stars in Broadway show Grease, has an adorable blog entitled "No Sex and the City." Before dashing off to perform a matinee, she can be overheard in post- Sacrament Meeting chitchatter waxing poetic about dalliances with Josh Groban off-set or bantering backstage with Grease costar Taylor Hicks.




Elna Baker, comedian/blogger/sunday school lesson commenter extraordinaire, made the NY Observer a while ago...

Elna, courtesy of the Observer, sans her trademark large indie hipster glasses (as seen below) that I thought were half-cool and my friend Tara wanted to smash.


exhibit:

Speaking of the Observer article, I really resonated with the guy who said Mormonism is a little Pollyanna-ish and a little OCD, because we're always striving to do better. A big thing that jumped out to me in Conference talks was the concept of inadequacy and how it can be overcome by having confidence and trust in the Lord. I'm already predisposed to being OCD, and being Mormon sure doesn't help. Instead of being hyper anxious about trying a little harder, being a little better, I find comfort in knowing that often just trust and hope that God will help us do the right thing is enough.

And if Mormons and the mainstream could absolutely agree on anything, it's that Manhattan is a challenge (albeit, a most exciting and exhilarating one).

Manhattan Mormons: I miss you, and can assure you I'll be back soon!

I love Conference

I loved being at the Conference Center today, being personally escorted to this little detached "worldly" compartment known as the media room.

Free snacks, I may add.

Aside from receiving confidential talk transcripts about 15 minutes before Conference started, never have I heard the concept of hope (vague, not talked about often) so eloquently defined as Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf.

And maybe this is blasphemous, but I think he is such a fox! The German accent, the jawline, the white hair.

---
Here's my summary:

Uchtdorf defined and outlined the infinite power of hope, saying that together with faith and charity, it can provide a stabilizing influence in rough or uneven life circumstances.

“Hope is not knowledge, but rather, the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to us,” Uchtdorf said. He then explained that the opposition of hope— doubt, despair, and failure to care for fellowmen—can be overcome with confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance in the Lord’s promises. “No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ we may hope for and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations,” he said.

Uchtdorf also expounded on things hoped for and things hoped in.
“The things we hope for lead us to faith, while the things we hope in lead us to charity,” Uchtdorf said. “These three qualities working together, grounded on the truth and light of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, lead us to abound in good works.”

---

I wanted to turn to the non-member SL Tribune reporter sitting next to me, with her coffee and objective/indifferent expression, and apologize for the irony of the SLC atmosphere, where all the Mormon cultural nonsense of Utah gets in the way of the wonderful truth of the Gospel. I wanted to just assure her that God loves her, and that trust me, Mormons elsewhere are far less weird, goofy, hypocritical and self-righteous.

Just as a side note: she disappeared somewhere in the middle of the session, and didn't return until after, presumably after this story had been published online. Interesting how SL Trib captured economic nitty gritty counsel of Perry...she was gone for the gems of hope expressed by Uchtdorf.

The concept of memory came to mind (no pun intended) frequently as I sat in Conference. It really is all about remembering our divine worth and potential: that we are children of God, and therefore we should act as such. Little glimpses of our divinity that were forgotten when we came to earth can be remembered as we keep the Spirit with us, read scriptures, pray often and attend church. By doing genealogy work, we can remember those who have come before. Furthermore, by then remembering where we came from, we can remember the great Plan of Salvation for where we are to return to our Father and Heaven after this mortal life.

We can get caught up in inadequacy or feeling like we don't know enough (as Neil Andersen said), or we can take a deep breath, simply remember we're children of God, and respect ourselves and Him enough to let our actions here on Earth dictate that knowledge.

Thank Goodness It's Conference Weekend!

As you may recall, last weekend was bleak.

BUT, never fear:

I've double-booked a couple friend dinners tonight (one catch-up and one birthday),

and I have a date with 12+ awesomely righteous, compassionate, wise old married men on Saturday AND Sunday.

(how can you not love them?!)

I'm covering Saturday morning session, so I will be among the world's few scanning official talk transcripts before the rest of humanity hears them, all the while schmoozing with LDS PR and GAs right and left in the official Conference Center Media Room.

So you could say things are looking up...


Side note: I wish this article had come out when I was younger...Utah oh Utah...

Are they really just not that into me?

In honor of this genius movie coming out soon (watch the trailer!) based on this book, I will rant...


But- from the perspective of a girl who has never had a relationship to even come to a point of discerning whether a man was "into" me or not....

Exhibit A:

I don't believe women should have to be proactive in the first stages of a potential "courtship," namely, the wooing phase.

You could say I'm "traditional," but really, even with all our post-feminist wisdom and intellectually progressive society, shouldn't it STILL be the way it's supposed to be!?

We women are the smarter, more inquisitive, more attractive species. We manage companies (Cathie Black- I want to be her, for the record), we rule countries (Benazir Bhutto), for goodness sakes...we run households and mold the minds of the future!!!

It's really the very least men can do to ask women out.

Feminist or not, if a guy doesn't have the confidence to ask you out in the first place, how much confidence can you have in any potential of him taking ANY initiative in however long you end up being together?

Quite honestly, I think "flirty girls" are only ultimately doing a disservice to themselves, and looking ridiculous and unbecoming while they're at it.
I really don't understand the whole 'suffocating a guy with your attention to get him to like you.' Maybe you say smugly, well, it's apparent she's ranting because she's bitter that being 'hard to get' is not working for her.

But, frankly, girls I know who have 'thrown themselves' at their exes or current boyfriends/husbands- have the most pathetic relationships anyway.

But why does being 'hard to get' have to be so hard?

The funny thing is, I'm really not that hard to get, I'm just secure in myself, and I suppose that scares most of the opposite sex selection I have here in Happy Valley.

I came to BYU with every good LDS girl's notion that, after waiting out the hormonally-charged existential teen years as one of the only Mormon kids at your high school, finally here was the time when cute clean-cut Mormon boys were going to be beating down my door for attention, time and dates.

For the record, TIS NOT TRUE.

Perhaps in the 1970s, yes, but I don't know if you've noticed, but it's the 21st century.

My mom did not go to BYU and guys knew she wasn't going to sleep with them, but that didn't stop them from asking her out and delivering her flowers.

Like every weekend.


Nowadays, at any other college other than BYU, you have to sleep with a guy at or after a party before he will consider dating you. Consider.

I suppose delivering cookies to doorsteps of crushes is the BYU equivalent of sleeping with a guy at a party. He'll eat your cookies, and then possibly consider you.

I'm grateful to the feminist movement to some degree, but I can't help but think it's backfired in some areas.

Because I'm quite baffled and disappointed by this silly dating scene, but I also know that I'm well worth the challenge.